Kia ora. We are a bunch of Year 6, 7 and 8 kids at Mahana School, and we're looking forward to sharing our work on this blog.
Please leave us some comments!
Cool liquid whispers invitingly into its confines,
Concrete walls hold the water in place,
The sun throws its rays on the impenetrable mirror.
By Jonathan.
4 comments:
Anonymous
said...
Hey Jono
Some cool WOW words in your poem. Consider taking some of the 'the's out at the start of each sentence. See what that does to the poem. Does it enhance it?
Look up the difference between the word its and it's. Be prepared to explain it to me next time we meet.
Also, I wondered about the word 'hold' that you've used with the concrete walls image. 'Hold' seems a little lacklustre compared to some of the other vocab you've used. What do you think?
With a few tweaks, your poem will be fantasmagorical.
4 comments:
Hey Jono
Some cool WOW words in your poem. Consider taking some of the 'the's out at the start of each sentence. See what that does to the poem. Does it enhance it?
Look up the difference between the word its and it's. Be prepared to explain it to me next time we meet.
Also, I wondered about the word 'hold' that you've used with the concrete walls image. 'Hold' seems a little lacklustre compared to some of the other vocab you've used. What do you think?
With a few tweaks, your poem will be fantasmagorical.
hi Jono like your poem it seems like you used very big words
You spell it like this Jane. phantasmagorical.
But thanks!
wow I don't know what half of those words are
saskia
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